My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
You Might Also Like
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
But wait…
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.