My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
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My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Cool shirt 🙂
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.