My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
You Might Also Like
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Don’t snitch tag.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry