“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
You Might Also Like
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.