My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
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I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Good morning.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.