@JoshuaFlail: My Pops told me that you can't go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
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@Ilovelamp1979: My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie. Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea
@BaileyXPaige: [at the gym] Trainer: "Why don't you tell me what your workout goals are." Me: "Goals? I'm just here so I don't eat for an hour."
@Book_Krazy: Mom, I'm glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
@GoldenSpirals: Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain. Tempted to eat my own leg. Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.