My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
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So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Whoa 😂
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”