Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Schrödinger’s cookie
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.