@JerseyRambo: My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn't see them...he said when does this happen...I said over the phone
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@notalogin: *Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats* Guy who's about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
@ericONEderful: A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
@xLiserx: *Wakes up in Superman's body* Me: Holy crap! I'm finally a hero! *Uses heat vision to re-heat last night's pizza & puts on Netflix*