@JerseyRambo: My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn't see them...he said when does this happen...I said over the phone
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@TheMichaelRock: 8yo: can you tell me a story? Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night. 8yo: WHAT?! Me: goodnight, buddy.
@TheToddWilliams: [shark therapy] "My girl dumped me & I haven't eaten in days" There's lots of fish in the sea "Yeah but...actually that covers everything"
@leifromloihi: [opens fortune cookie] be careful what you wish for [opens another] this is your final warning
@GringoBrulee: My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"