My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
This is my emotional support knife.