Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
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my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Start the year as you intend to continue.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler