You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
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I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
British people be like I’m Bri ish
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Perfection.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…