Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
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I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.