[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
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therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
An odd boast
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.