I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
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wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!