@li4mst3w4rt: my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook...
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@novicefather: [william shakespeare as an 8yo] dad: bedtime william: dost thou not... dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!
@upsidedowntrash: Coworker: crazy weather we're having Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
@SteveSuckington: Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us
@polksalad: Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.