@Brianhopecomedy: My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn't even come close to my 5 year old's reaction when I told him that there's no school today.
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@truegritrumble: BOSS: I'm firing you. ME: Thank heavens! BOSS: Why else would I call you here? ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet* BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
@bobvulfov: DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time TOILET PAPER: bro
@doktorj: Me: "Can you go back four slides?" Bride: "To the wedding dress?" Me: "No, the cheese plate." Me: Wipes tears.
@SortaBad: My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the 'Silver Table Cat' wasn't a real species, and that we didn't own a pet, we owned a toaster