@Brianhopecomedy: My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn't even come close to my 5 year old's reaction when I told him that there's no school today.
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@TastyTuneTweets: Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.
@onume_: Son: Dad I'm in love with a girl just like mum. Father: So what do you want from me? Sympathy?
@TheNardvark: I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as "all of it."
@danimgrace: Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.