My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
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You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
If only
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.