@BradBroaddus: My rear view mirror broke off. No biggie, I'll just put one of my contact lenses in backwards.
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@samalmightysam: The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it's a Chinese product that's lasted more than a month.
@WrongPandas: [at funeral] Me: "I'm sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice" Widow: "please no.... Me: "you have my gondolances"
@BuckyIsotope: Barry? Yes Joe Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we'd eat at the Pizza Hut in France No Joe *Biden slams fist* THIS IS BULLSHIT