Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
You Might Also Like
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
is there nothing we can trust anymore
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.