Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
You Might Also Like
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I cannot call her anything else now
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic