My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
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There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.