My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
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Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight