My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
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Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school