My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
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2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh