@abbycohenwl: My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheTobbie: I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-oh, never mind, I found it...
@Pro_Jones_: (Wedding) Priest: They've written their vows Wife: *recites beautiful vows* Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
@pleatedjeans: *gets down on 1 knee* OMG *puts 2nd knee down* WHAT? *lays on floor* JIM? *snake noises* WHAT ARE YOU DOING? *slithers out of relationship*
@Sassafrantz: My date said he wasn't looking for anything serious like I was trying to help him solve cold case files and shit.