@abbycohenwl: My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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@jwoodham: INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in? ME: What do you mean "if" Harry Potter was real?
@OfficeofSteve: Sometimes when I'm drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I'm the host from Unsolved Mysteries
@yoyoha: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times lets face it you're a jerk and I'm stupid
@batkaren: [orchestra] VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question? VIOLIN 2: Um, okay. V1: What's up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?