My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
m’lady