Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
You Might Also Like
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
My what?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.