@Just_Lee_: My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee'd in their pants
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@garrettbarry70: A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.
@Jay_FrickinLynn: Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down.
@Cryptoterra: Christian politicians hate science because they think it's always talking about two Adams bonding
@SortaBad: "Babe I wanna ask you something" *gets down on one knee* "When The Little Mermaid became human, how'd she know to use a toilet?" *ties shoe*