*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
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“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..