My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
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Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?