My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
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Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s