Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
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Thursday Thought.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory