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My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
This is me 🤣🤣
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.