my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
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Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
This 4th of July, please remember…
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
For cardio I live beyond my means.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.