@sploosk: my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying "this one's on the house" every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
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@SteveSuckington: Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
@Cryptoterra: Christian politicians hate science because they think it's always talking about two Adams bonding
@bourgeoisalien: Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It's like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
@deardilettante: I'm meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he'll be deleting my number in a few hours.