my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
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My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Practicing safe sax
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.