I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
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I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.