What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
He-man has a Masters degree
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.