Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
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finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.