my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
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Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m