an airline just for babies.
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It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵