My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
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Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here