@RandomManik: My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
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@Offensivehere: Me: lets go get a drink! Friend: what's the occasion? Me: ... Friend: ... Me: I don't understand the question.
@jake_likes_naps: [spills whole tub of salsa on cat] Oh dang [grabs chip] Hold still [cat starts running away] I SAID HOLD STILL
@ddsmidt: A fight or flight situation. Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher's walking towards you with "the look" on her face.
@WheelTod: I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.