My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
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If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.