@WilliamAder: My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
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@FattMernandez: When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
@TheRolo: Her: Why did you text me "High Fructose Corn Syrup?" Me: I think you're sweet... Her: ...Awwww... Me: ...and will eventually kill me.