My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
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“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD