My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
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[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
*pokes sex life with a stick
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.