[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
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I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Cool shirt 🙂
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
lost dog
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!