I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
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old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
what’s more important?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
getting corrected
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe