@JermHimselfish: My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
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@VerifiedDrunk: Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.
@EJGomez: me: can i have a coke waiter: is Pepsi ok? me: ya pepsi's fine pepsi: i have a boyfriend
@TheBoydP: Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming: 7. Plot twists 6. Police cruiser 5. Love 4. Trash day 3. Health issues 2. Her reaction 1. That
@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead. She can barely walk and she's already the drunk girl at the party.