@JermHimselfish: My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
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@mrkoodge: *at an AA meeting* "Hi, I'm Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol." *gets aggressively escorted out*
@TheBigBatman: Wife left a note on the fridge it says "It's not working, gone to my mom's" I opened it and opened a beer, it's cold, the fridge works fine?
@Brampersandon_: [texting gf] February 13th "I think we should spend some time apart" February 15th "Ok that was enough time"