My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
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Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely