My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
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Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct