My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Never let them know your next move 😂
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!