My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.