My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
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check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.