My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
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waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
i was baptized in a car wash
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.