Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
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“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch